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How to Achieve Girlfriend: A Checklist

  • Exchange glances
  • Exchange words
  • Exchange numbers
  • Exchange books
  • Go on dates
  • Have sex
  • Halve six
  • Attend Israeli Palestinian conflict panel, romantically
  • Learn each other's names
  • Give cute nickname
    ex) 'nutritional yeast,' 'low fatality rate,' ' ;( '
  • Plot heist
  • Tell parents about her
  • Introduce to friends
  • Attend trivia night
  • Attend karaoke night
  • Leave, immediately
  • Halve more six
  • Defraud the government
  • Refraud the government
  • Exchange love letters
  • Kidnap a dignitary
  • Take a day trip
  • Give it back
  • Revolt
  • Experience the cherry blossoms together
  • Experience the cherry blossoms together, but this time in surround-sound IMAX 3D
  • Take her to your favorite restaurant
  • Cook together
  • Burn the food together
  • Order Chinese together
  • Read a book together
    ex) A Jihadist's Guide to Beekeeping; Kama Sutra for Accountants; Nature: What the Fuck
  • Spice up the bedroom
    Ex) Italian blend, sage, cumin
  • Buy a dog
  • Barter the dog for 2 cats
  • Barter the cats for a bigger dog
  • Barter the bigger dog for a small pig
  • Barter the small pig for 3 chickens
  • Barter the chickens for a donkey
  • Barter the donkey for a baby goat
  • Barter the baby goat for a baby cow
  • Barter the baby cow for 10,000 locusts
  • Care for your locusts
  • Ask her to be your girlfriend
  • Wait for her to think a minute
  • Take "What've I got to lose?" as a yes
  • Fill out the paperwork
  • Submit the paper work to City Hall
  • Wait 3-5 business days for confirmation
  • Congratulate yourself for having achieved girlfriend