It's So Funny To See You

WOW Randy o'toole can you believe that? After all this time. Not in a MILLION years would I have thought I'd have RANDY o'toole right here in my condo. That is something, that is really something.

Though, I'll tell you, and this is going to sound crazy but you are not at all like I imagined you. For some reason I thought you would be like, a lot shorter in person, actually. You know, after all these years. I thought "there is no way this guy ends up the same height as I left him" i mean is that crazy" laughs ooh buddy we had some times together didn't we. Goood damn. damn damn damn.

What was that one guys name, friend of yours? Ummm Eric, maybe? Get this, i don't think I ever heard him use a swear word. Not once. Not a single time. What a fucking tool. Am I right? Damn, man, I haven't thought about that guy in yeeeears man. Wow

leans in

This is so funny. I was at his place for a party once, I was so drunk - I actually put some rat poison IN his hemorrhoid cream. Hoo buddy. laughs man the times we used to have.

Your brother? OOoooh wow, oh man, wow that does explain a lot, actually, cuz he was at your place like ALL the time, it was so creepy and he looks a lot like you, now that you mention it. Except not as much of a chin, I guess. Little shorter. Hemmorroids. Kinda like how I imagined you, actually. Thought you'd grow into it, maybe.. pause Your brother, That is so funny, huh. Wow, that brings back some memories. Man oh man,

I've been good, been good. You know, just grinding away hahah, just putting in the hours, making it happen day after day and like, I know that it's not glamorous. I'm not gonna win any awards or get any recognition, but when I go home at the end of the day, I look at myself in the bath and I'm like 'you're not just a travel agent ok. Youre an experience agent. Good luck finding someone else who can hook you up with an all-in luxury game hunting expedition, last minute, no paperwork, for you and your boys - that is going the extra mile. That's how you show em what matters.

WHen my mom sat me down and was like, 'don't specialize in luxury game hunting, that's the worst kind of travel agency', I mean first of all I was like a beat 'gutpunch, much, Mom? Ouch?? Please?.' and then I was like 'first of all, how dare you? If you didn't want me to buy the family business, maybe don't get a foreclosure from all those charity events. I mean, am I crazy? Am I crazy? Literally the entire time she was making me feel like the bad guy. I'm totally serious. I am. I am. I swear.

Ugh it's like I can HEAR her in my head mock-y voice 'they're refugees, the monsoon is coming, we need the family boat' and I'm like 'ya, yuh huh, ok' it's just, I also have a passion, is that wrong? Like, what are you trying to say about me, exactly? Right? Bringing up these refugees all the time?

a beat

It's so funny - you know I had a bet that you'd die. Yup yup, swear to god. Horrible death, I was like, for sure this guy is going to have such a bad death. Hookers, murder, just like, yucky death, but no, wow, look at you! you're right here! It's like, you haven't changed at all. Except for, like, I mean, the obvious, like duuh, right? you've seen you, you know what I'm talking about. Hahah

I don't know if you could tell, but I actually had a little work done. No, I'm serious. Totally different cheek bones, actually, than from when you remember me.

Really unfortunate coincidence that the chimp they got them from looked exactly like me. I mean I said explicitly 'like Benicio del Toro and Margaret Thaytcher had a baby' and they were like, 'do you mean Margaret Qualley' and I was like, 'no I don't want a quaalude I've already been drinking', and they were like, 'are you talking about the british politician?' And I was like, 'I'm not gonna watch every single thing she's ever done in her entire life, am I a fucking stalker? Just genetically modify the chimp already JESUS'. There is no WAY you treat Colbert like this, I'm just saying. Oh there is no way that is natural. Trust me. TRUST me.

Anyway, that's why I look exactly the same, just older. Except whichever lady they crossed that chimp with must've been really sad because I cry like, all the time. Yeah, since like, way before the surgery. So Weird. The doctors have no idea what's up.

Funny thing is, most days money actually does fill the void. Like, no problem at all. To the brim. It's just evenings, holidays, and when my mom calls. That's all I have to worry about. And if there's ever, like, quiet. Not a hard lifestyle to maintain, actually. The trick is if it looks like someone is about to say something just like, get in there. Move quick, too. No idea WHAT you could start thinking about if you ever get a chance to like, hear someone, ya know?

Anyway so like I said Eric and Donald Jr are still looking for a third to hunt those turtles. Or I guess like. Grab. Boil. Anyway. Let me know. It's $36,000. I was going to offer you a discount, but then I thought, this guy doesn't need my charity. He's gonna be glad to pay a little extra.

Sorry to hear about your Mom by the way. All those new treatments sounded EXPENSIVE. I mean, how do you even get rectal cancer, I mean what are the chances.

Tainted medication they said? Huh. Weird. That just sounds unlikely, somehow. Anyway.. does your Mom like Turtles? What's she doing on Thanksgiving