Q1 2024 Shareholder Letter

Dear Aharon Shareholders,

We are delighted to be speaking to you from the first quarter of 2024. Though, mainly because it means we’re no longer in the last quarter of 2023, which, as you know, hit us like a dump truck. Over the course of a few short October weeks, this Organization was rocked by the most dramatic burst of Migraine-related losses and forfeitures since the issue first appeared nearly 9 years ago.

Agony Per Hour tripled and maintained its immiserating heights for the next several months. Words Forgotten Per Day followed suit. Before long, Ideas Per Hour had bottomed out and the entire Hobbies Department was in freefall. Management soon made the challenging decision to divest from all Gartner-related activities. While this did lead to unexpectedly positive directional changes on the ‘Manager Suck to Rock’ axis, everyone thought it best not to high-five.

Figure 1: Things Going Poorly

All formats of partnership suffered as a result. In December, Management informed Romance Department staff that their contracts had been retroactively terminated; a morose end to Romance’s most turbulent year yet. Only three quarters prior, Romance analysts stunned industry-watchers by recommending a complete withdrawal from long-touted merger discussions with Isa. This was followed by a short-lasting, long-distance interorganizational initiative with Lily in Q2, and rounded out by Q3’s hopeful entry into the wider Portland Romantic Marketplace. Without much delay, Romance let loose a series of migraine-related flops and errors that eviscerated any hope of ending the quarter with a New Year’s joint venture. As a result, Management decided it best to remove Romance from strategic planning discussions (not to mention payroll), at least until the end of Q1 2024.

But, as this Organization trundles into a new fiscal year, Management is thrilled to report brightening horizons. After a masterly acquisition of several pharmaceutical technologies, analysts have been stunned to see Agony Per Hour plummet and Ideas Per Hour slowly - finally - coming up to par.

Figure 2: Things Going Better

It can be hard for Management to admit, but Q4 was trying for the Organization. It was long, lonely, and, at times, unprofitable. Moreover, it hurt kind of a lot, and it was unclear when - or if - it would stop. And so, on behalf of the entire Organization, Management would like to extend a sincere and all-encompassing thank you to you, our Shareholders, for your steadfast commitment through it all. Every check-in or kind word or offer of material or logistical support meant more than this Organization’s PR team knows how to express. So, thank you. Truly. It was a hard time, but it would have been so much harder without you.

So, what comes next? Management has never been shy about its ambitions. Indeed, Management still contends that with enough high-octane elbow grease, this Organization can rise to Market Leadership in nearly any gosh darn segment it pleases. To guide us in the application of that very elbow grease, Management would now like to turn our esteemed Shareholders’ attention to a bright and legally non-binding vision of this Organization’s future:

Short, Fun Projects, With Friends, That Help People

For a while, analysts expect the true value of this new strategy will stem less from what the projects produce, and more from the fact that Management is trying to produce something in the first place. Done right, each project will force the Organization to make something new – or at least try. With just a few years of practice, Management hopes to foster an Organizational environment in which interesting ideas are tenderly conceived and firmly executed, as if by instinct.

Though these projects are pursued with an eye to the future, Management understands that they must be enacted with torsos entrenched firmly in the present. The projects are not an investment in eventually having fun, or bonding with friends, or helping people. They must feel worthwhile in and of themselves, as they are, right now.

Q1 2024 Proposed Project Portfolio

And so, with minimal further adieu (well, maybe just a bit), Management would like to introduce the project slate for this past quarter:

• Q1 2024 Long-Term Aharon Shareholder Letter (check)
• Parsha [weekly torah portion] widget (check)
• Revitalized Content Metrics Dashboard (in progress)
• Client Voice Dashboard (in progress)
• Friend Interviews (in progress)
• Food Freshness Tracker Widget
• Application to grad school (in progress)
• 100 Garticles (in progress)

These projects are numerous and varied. They range in topic, scope, length, and collaborability. And so, it is entirely understandable that some of our more perscrutative industry-watchers may read the above and deign to do some wondering. They might inquire, for example, whether anyone else thinks it’s strange that several of the projects certainly won’t be finished by the end of Q1, or that others still have no clear collaborator, or that a few have dragged on indefinitely with no contained start end or middle, or that a handful were somewhat implausible to begin with?

Management greets such well-meaning malediction with laudable humility, and urges us not to get too overly caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘does it make sense’s’, when we can instead careen abruptly into the “when’s” and “for how much’s.”

Indeed, those detracting from this Organization’s unprecedented near-emptive achievements are as unassailably ill-informed as the popular press portrays them. Their primary misunderstanding lies in the presumption that a project’s success depends mainly on whether or not it ends up failing. Management has cleverly surmised that if you don’t mind failing, every project is an inevitable success. Hence, Management has decided to start failing at the first available opportunity so as to gain a foothold before competitors catch on. With enough practice, Management is confident the Organization can achieve failure with market leading efficacy. For the time being, however, Management will test the waters by failing with determined moderation. With any luck, the Organization will be failing at two- to three-times the current rate by Q1 of 2025.

What does all this mean for you, our Shareholders?

Though you have already given so much, Management would like offer two additional opportunities to express your unremunerated generosity. First: participation. Second: advice.

In terms of participation, Management requests only that if called to serve, Shareholders check their schedule. The projects aim to be fun and short and only hard if participants want them to be. Where possible, Management will be explicit about timelines and commitments. The aim is project designs that keep the effort floor low and the victory ceiling reachable. Furthermore, Management can’t become a regional leader in applied failure without a few under their belt, so any support in that direction will be immensely appreciated.

In terms of advice, Management humbly submits the following three questions. Shareholders are encouraged to answer with as much detail or generality as feels appropriate given their circumstance and denomination.

1. What obstacles or blindspots would you advise Management watch out for as they pursue these projects?
2. What kinds of projects (or categories, examples, topics, etc) would be most helpful for Management to spend a lot of time on over the next 10-15 years?
3. Are there any projects or project areas you’d be interested in working on together?

Shareholders can submit answers here:

Thank you again for your friendship, loyalty, and unswerving stewardship of the Shares that make all this possible. Management hopes this letter has provided clear and unflinching insight into, if not where this Organization is going, at least how it’ll get there. Thank you again, and onward we go.

Sincerely,
The Entire Aharon Team