A Guide to Sufficiently Masculine Friendships

Step 1: Meet an Adequately Masculine Male™ (AMM™) at a pre-approved Masculine Meeting Location™ (e.g. sports bar, MMA fight, kegger) listed in Appendix A.

*Addendum 1: Do not attempt to meet an AMM™. Attempting to meet would imply a degree of curiosity in others or generalized human affection, both of which can be found on the list of Inadequately Masculine Behavioral Traits™ (IMBTs™) available in Appendix B.

Step 2: Begin Male Bonding Procedure™ by sharing an adequately masculine observation about a person, place, or thing in your surroundings (e.g. violence, sporting event, woman) and wait for an adequately masculine return comment.

*Addendum 2: Avoid any sense of direct interest, or thoughtful agreement that may stem from an AMM's™ comment. Such responses are generally considered IMBTs™, and should be dealt with according to the note at the end of Appendix B.

Step 3: Listen for areas of shared, male interest as may be found on the pre-approved Adequately Masculine Interests and Activities™ list (e.g. brooding, sex, whiskey drinking) within Appendix C.

Step 4: At this point you may ask for an AMM's™ contact information in order to facilitate future interaction.

*Addendum 3: Avoid any sense of excitement, attachment, or absorption that may have arisen between Steps 1 and 4.

Step 5: Continue interacting with an AMM™, either through generally emotionless, task-oriented conversations or via the list of Sufficiently Masculine Past-Times™ (e.g. violence, general derogations of the state of politics today, shared alcoholism) found in Appendix D.

Step 6: At this point an AMM™ will have graduated to a Sufficiently Masculine Acquaintance™ (SMA™)

Step 7: If, at times, you find yourself experiencing significant and uncontrolled Improperly Masculine Emotional Responses™ (e.g. anguish, abandonment, loneliness), it is appropriate and encouraged to use an SMA™ as both a distraction and avoidance strategy.

*Addendum 4: Avoid any sense of emotional connectedness, love, or genuine appreciation that may stem from these interactions.

Step 8: As communication with an SMA™ maintains, it may at some point be pertinent to request they act as best man at your wedding, or other Approved Mating Ceremony™ found in Appendix E.

*Addendum 5: As an SMA™ provides his Appropriately Masculine Retelling of Memorable Events™, avoid any sense of nostalgia, kinship, love, or platonic care that may arise.

Step 9: If, at any point, you experience feelings of joy, satisfaction, amusement, bliss, or cheer at the recognition of any of the numerous experiences shared with an SMA™, stop immediately and check appendix F for a list of approved emotional reactions to long term male acquaintanceship (e.g. stoic reservation, gruff neutrality, unstated toleration).

*Addendum 7: If, at any point, feelings of pride, consideration, kindness, tenderness, nurturing sense of support, or other, more significant IMBTs™ found in Appendix L begin to appear, consider emergency procedures such as spending several years in the woods, joining the military, or sport fishing difficult prey (e.g. Bluefin Tuna, most sharks, cuttlefish)

Step 10: As an SMA™ nears the end of his life, you may be tempted to poignantly reminisce about your shared experiences. Avoid this tendency, and instead complain to grandchildren about an approved "other," found in appendix P.

*Addendum 8: appendix P has been updated to reflect contemporary social dynamics (e.g. the removal of Italians, the Irish, and some Jews)

Step 11: During attendance of an SMA's™ funeral, you may, at some point, be tempted to remember who he was to you, the moments you shared, and the hope and acceptance he provided. You may wonder to yourself why you never bothered to say what it felt like to be around him, or how much you liked his laugh, or his sense of style. Avoid these questions, and instead congratulate yourself on the successful and unfeeling completion of your Sufficiently Masculine Friendship.